I'm sitting in my room listening to the footsteps of the kids on my roof and the booms of the fireworks all around. Another 4th of July. Another different chapter of my life. Got a new car yesterday. The car of my dreams... 2008 Altima. I was so happy. Till I got home and read the email from my x saying, oops, sorry you're not really getting $20,000 today and $20,000 more to come. Seems there was some stupid stipulation in my divorce saying if our business in vegas sold, I owe him a particular debt in full. He just happened to find it after he wrote my check. So yeah, I get nada zippo zilch. He took it all, cuz he has to follow the "spirit of the divorce decree". As if the divorce police would catch him if he didnt follow that 'spirit'. So nice of him to say 'sorry, I know you'll be disappointed'. Actually, disappointed doesnt quite capture the moment. I just spent the entirety of my savings account today on the damn car, cuz you said I was getting the check at 3:00. Nice. So now I have no money to get me through the lean summer and all the way to November when the money starts flowing again. No money for emergencies. No money to pay my bills. No money to take care of your kid. Basically, I bent over and got fucked sideways in the ass cuz I believed you. So its the fourth of July and I have to start over. I spent 3 years building myself up for this. I was good to go. Now I'm the proud owner of a kickass car, but broke. One miscalculation on my part. So I cried. And I woke up this morning and dusted myself off and mark my words, I will make it. I will find a way. I will squeak out the pennies and dimes. Maybe they'll fall out of my ass now that its been fucked sideways.

Another 4th of July. Heard a new version of a song today. Live version of John Mayer's Stop This Train. Reminded me of some peaceful calm moments laying in my bed listening to another version of the same song being plunked out on the guitar. Maybe it was even the last 4th. A nice memory I draw from in down times. Funny how music holds time and memory and feeling.

Im still happy. He cant take that away from me. He can have every dime, but he cant have my smile and he cant break my heart again. He doesnt matter. And I love my fucking kick ass 08 Altima. And I love my man. And I love my kids. And I love my mom. And I love my sisters. And I love my puppy. And I love music and fond memories and dark chocolate. And I'll love them all the same while Im broke. And I'll love them all while my ass heals up from its reaming.

Happy 4th. I'll be back on top by the next one.
~Sandy